Living With a Sex Addict

19. The Case Against Therapy

 

 

My husband used to ask me why I didn’t go to a therapist. He didn’t say why he thought I should go to a therapist, just that I ought to go.  Did he imagine the therapist would teach me how to forgive the history of our marriage, which had been one of betrayal after betrayal?  Would the therapist help me stay calm when he acted out? Or to be less sad when, all at once, the things he’d done (or was about to do) with another woman plunged into my thoughts—all those intrusive scenarios that played out in my brain and could arrive in the middle of an otherwise ordinary day?

 

While walking the dog in the sun, I’d suddenly picture the photograph of a nearly-naked woman who had texted him a code he would need to enter into his laptop to see more. I’d imagine him with her. Or I’d recall all at once the love letters he wrote to another woman which he’d idiotically saved to his hard drive. All the love he expressed to her, all the desire, took over my thoughts. Suddenly, I couldn’t see anything, not the flowering apple trees angled across the field in which I walked, not the cowslips white along the banks of the trail.

You need help, he’d say. You should talk to someone.

Those letters, I’d begin.

They meant nothing. I was just obsessed.

But that’s just it, you were obsessed—

 

My pain weighed upon him, worried him, and reminded him of his own part in its inception. But the way I heard his advice that I see a therapist was as his wanting me to receive professional guidance on how to be nicer to him. He wanted me to see sex addiction as a disease, not a lifestyle choice; he wanted me to be more understanding of his condition.

 

All that is fine, but I didn’t believe he wanted me to feel better generally as much as he wanted me to feel better about him. That was his motivation, I concluded. And I believed he wanted me to talk to a therapist so that he didn’t have to talk to me.

 

Nobody Is Listening

This was not simple paranoia. If I expressed the pain I felt from his having been with other women he became so ashamed, so engorged with self-hatred that he scared me. I’d feel him retreat inside himself at the first sign of my discomfort.  He’d either shut me out or resent me outright. Occasionally, his anger ignited as I spoke.  What do you want me to do about it now! he bellowed. I can only take actions that are possible today!

 

He reacted so badly that we’d end up talking about him and his feelings, not about me or mine. He always seemed on the edge of some terrible precipice that had to be respected; if I pushed him too hard with all my messy feelings, he might go over the edge.

 

Having a therapist may have been useful but what I really wanted was to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him about our marriage, about what he was doing, about what he had done, about how it made me feel.  If only he would care about me enough to listen to me instead of defending himself or turning every discussion into one about him and his feelings, maybe I could believe he really loved me.

 

If you really loved me, you wouldn’t do this is the first lament of the wife of a sex addict. Once she learns that his acting out has nothing to do with how he feels about her, she has a second lament: “If you really loved me, you’d listen to me.”

 

But often he won’t. He will say that he can’t. So where is he being a husband to us exactly? Nowhere probably. And not for a long time, if ever. Some come back into being the men they were meant to be. Some are lost in addiction forever. It will take years for you to know which will be the case for your husband. Meanwhile, there is today to live. Then tomorrow.

 

In the early years of discovering my husband’s sex addiction, I still imagined I could reason him out of acting out. I admit this was very naïve, but I hadn’t entirely grasped what it meant to have an addiction and wasn’t one hundred percent sure yet it even was an addiction. In some ways, the disease model of addiction still does sound wholly apt. By contrast, he was certain he was an addict and he resented any attempt on my part to talk to him about his behaviour as though it had been something he can control.

 

I concluded that he encouraged me to find a therapist as a means of delegating the necessary task of listening to me. Someone had to do it, but it wasn’t going to be him. Why should he when he had such great problems of his own?  You can imagine how I felt: abandoned, alone, unloved, unheard.

You should see a therapist. I don’t care what it costs, he said.

What if every therapist I speak to tells me to leave you? I replied. This was before I took it upon myself to leave him anyway. Would you want me to see one then?

 

This was the sort of unhelpful hostility he saw as the reason we argued. I wasn’t supposed to have such thoughts, much less voice them. I wasn’t supposed to be suspicious enough to question his motivation in suggesting I see a therapist. I was supposed to see him as a victim of addiction. I was meant to see the addiction as part of a larger illness. I was supposed to have sympathy for the person with the illness, and that was him.

 

Sorry, I’m Not Superwoman

Over the years, I have tried a number of therapists, none of whom were optimistic for my marriage. As I’ve mentioned before, two of them suggested I get my husband out of my life. There was talk about his behaviour being abusive, comparable to physical forms of spousal abuse. The cyclical nature of his acting out was not unlike the occasional beatings a wife might receive. And while I have respect for the few smart, thoughtful therapists who specialise in sex addiction, who are somewhat more available these days, and often write articles on the internet, I have little patience for the priority they put on the addict’s problems above those of the partner.

 

You will hear from the therapist, be patient with your partner, don’t expect all your questions to be answered right away, don’t ask questions that will result in your experiencing vivid depictions of all the sex your husband has been having, limit escalating arguments. This is the type of advice the best therapists will give you (if you are lucky enough to find such a therapist). They amount to a list of rules, or at least heavily weighted suggestions, and they are all about how you must behave. They may as well be telling you to be superwoman.

 

In fact, what they are really saying is, Be as detached and loving and careful with your husband as a therapist would be.

 

Yeah, good luck with that. It’s a wonderful thought but extremely difficult to accomplish. Some wives, confronted with such high expectations of how they should react to their husband’s history of sex addiction (as well as his current acting out) may decide they are simply not up to the task and walk away. Essentially, this is what happened to me. When at last, years later a couple’s therapist  finally said something (therapists seem mute and useless most of the time) she asked me to see if I could separate the addiction from the man. I decided I could not.

 

No, I told the therapist. Because I am not a therapist. I am a wife. He has been acting out consistently for the past five years even while in recovery. Now, I ask you: have you ever been married to someone who is a sex addict? I am guessing not. Have you ever tried to have an intimate, physical relationship with a sex addict? I am guessing you have not. You tell me to separate the man from the addiction, but he’s all about his addiction. He’s so inside himself he sees nothing but his own concerns and his own addiction and you’ve joined him there. Well, that’s great–for him. But if I were your daughter, would you be telling me to separate the man from the addiction or to get the hell out of what has become an abusive relationship with me being the principle victim?

 

The therapist had no answer.  She may have thought I was just another “difficult wife.” While it is wonderful that therapists are no longer see those with compulsive sex disorders as narcissitic psychopaths but people with an addiction rooted in trauma, I wonder if the necessary swing toward having compassion for the addict has resulted in little compassion of the wife?

 

Who Really Cares About The Wife, Anyway?

Where was my advocate? Where was my solace? And was there ever going to be any apology, any amends made my way? Not really. For years, my husband said he was sorry for what he had done, but he kept doing it. He rarely made amends for recurring sexual acting out, and never informed me when a “slip” had occurred.  He was ashamed, which is not the same as being sorry. Shame is about how he felt, not how he imagined I might feel. There was a blip in the empathy circuitry of his brain. While I couldn’t do something to hurt another person, he could do that very thing, again and again. Let’s say that is an addictive drive, fine. I get it. But afterwards, he was also self-preserving. He minimised what he’d done. He told me I was overreacting. He yelled at me that he was doing the best he could. What did I expect? What on earth?  All of this increased my fear and pain and a sense of being unlovable and abandoned.

 

I knew I was in a bad situation.  A notable proportion of women receiving domestic abuse have depression, vague physical complaints, fatigue, anxiety and other symptoms associated with trauma. I experienced similar symptoms, including exhaustion, intrusive thoughts, a strong sense of having had my life hijacked, the inability to concentrate enough to write (I’m a writer by profession), a great deal of anxiety and unease.

 

As far as getting help, I felt totally stuck. The therapists who did not specialise in sex addiction would tell me the marriage was abusive and to end it (in retrospect, I think they were right in many ways though I discovered the marriage transformed as the addiction lifted). The ones who specialised in sex addiction took the position I had to be a saint, my halo glowing so brightly I might light up a city. They sounded like people who had just come from a training seminar by Patrick Carnes and were now so seduced by the “new-think” on sex addiction they were more interested in indoctrinating her with their dogma than helping  the woman in front of them. Meanwhile everyone wanted £100-£250 an hour to give me either their silence or their crappy advice.

 

What Actually Helps Us?

What I needed was my husband to actually recover, to stop acting out so that I could get onto the business of overcoming the trauma I’d been through. What I needed was to quit being robbed by therapists learning far more from me than I was from them.  What I needed was a woman like myself, but not me, who knew exactly what I was experiencing and could help get me through it with me being the priority.   I didn’t need a set of ideals about how to understand addiction, cope with addiction, understand the root of addiction, the pull of addiction, how to support my spouse through his addiction.

 

Not that these things are unimportant–they are vital.  But therapists should respond to wives in a manner that shows they also understand that the trauma we are undergoing is severe, acute, and often ongoing. After all, therapists are always talking about past traumas–the events triggering addictions and disorders of all types–can they not discern the unfolding of trauma in front of them?  Telling us that addicts are victims, that sex addiction is a disease, that our husbands are suffering from childhood trauma, is helpful but not enough. Someone, somewhere, ought to care just a bit more about us.

 

The kind of support I found useful came from other women in my same situation, but perhaps a few years further along. And it was very rare, indeed.  I have a few friends who understand the trauma I’ve gone through, who don’t ask what is wrong with me, but what is wrong with my situation, who don’t expect me to be perfect. They don’t tell me how to manage my husband’s feelings or give me the latest on the delicate psyche of the addict’s brain. These friends allow me my voice and my freedom to express myself. And they have been far more valuable than any therapist I have been to as a client or those whose articles I’ve read on the internet. Indeed, they have been my lifeline.

 

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10 Comments

  • Reply
    Guy
    September 8, 2016 at 6:39 am

    As a husband of a sex addict, I know first hand the struggles you go through.. I also see no point in seeing a therapist, I call them “Rent-A-Friends”, to help me communicate my feelings.. I am very communicative and can thoroughly convey my feelings and thoughts fluidly.

    My husband and I, yes we are both male, have been together for 6 years and married for 3. He is a sex addict and his acting out plays like home movies in my head at random. I have days where divorce seems like the only logical answer to getting this out of my life, to only bounce back to seeing him as the person I WANT TO SEE HIM AS which is a fantasy. I’m finally coming to the conclusion that I am no longer capable of trusting him with my health or the truth.. (I am lucky that I have not contracted any STDs.)

    We have spent $1,000’s in therapy and a large part of our relationship dealing with his sex addiction.. It’s draining and I never would have imagined this is what my marriage would be about.. I love him with all of my heart, and hope that he could get this under control, but he relapses often like your husband does..

    I recently joined a COSA group, I’m the only guy there, and the ladies seem like a delusional bunch. What you’ve written in another post is almost the EXACT experience and feelings I have with it.. Every meeting I ask the group what we are there to accomplish and no answer can be given.. I have no clue as to how this group is supposed to help me!?!? Read pamphlets on how Jenny in Idaho took up quilting to raise her self-esteem so her husband’s chronic cheating and porn problem isn’t her problem anymore? What in hell? I thought it would be a great place to find people like me looking for answers.. when I ask some of the ladies who have been there for awhile for wisdom on how they handled certain situations they immediately deflect and try to steer the conversation back to the sacred steps.. Some best practices would be nice.. more insight as to what this has been like for them..

    Thanks for this blog! Most of what you have written could have easily been written by me.. What you feel and how you hate your husband for putting you in these tough situations where no option is the best option, while loving him with all your heart at the same time is eerily familiar..

    Look forward to reading more…

    • Reply
      The Wife
      September 12, 2016 at 7:23 am

      What a thoughtful message you’ve sent, Guy. You are indeed living within a very similar set of emotions that I’ve lived through. Once in awhile those unwanted “videos” in my head return, but with my husband’s sobriety lengthening day by day, I feel like some new, better memories and thoughts are pushing away the more painful ones.

      But it’s not as though I totally trust him. I can’t even remember what that was like. There is always some part of me waiting to discover that he is moving toward acting out, or actually acting out. Unfortunately, I am aware that there have been times over the past year or so when he has struggled not to. Even that bothers me. Why? Because sex goes right to the heart of a marriage. If our husbands or partners have sex with someone who isn’t us, even if it is due to a diagnosable addiction we know they have, it hurts!

      I just want to say, too, that if you want to ask me how I handled a particular situation, just ask! I’m more than happy to respond and, guess what, I don’t quilt. 😉

      The religious rules of COSA are not helpful to me, but there is an alternative group that is gaining some momentum in America called POSARC, which stands for Partners of Sex Addicts Resource Centre. (http://www.posarc.com) I think you might want to click through and see if there is anything there that you like better. I keep meaning to set up a chapter here in the UK but I haven’t yet–I’m so busy with other professional organisations, family and job. Even so, it’s on my list.

      I’ve met plenty of men who are gay and recovered. Your husband can do it as long as he really puts his recovery first. For addicts, those 12-step programs are very good in my opinion, even if they aren’t always right for partners.

      Have you discovered Rob Weiss yet? http://www.robertweissmsw.com/about-me/

      Rob is a recovered addict in a same-sex marriage (I assume he is married anyway, he has a big ring on his hand!). He’s a brilliant fellow and helping so many people even just through his videos and articles. I think he has a couples thing he does via the internet. Definitely worth getting in touch (and if you do one of his programs, let me know how it goes!)

      So glad to hear from you. Do take care and stay in touch! I’m only too glad to help in any way I can.

      🙂

  • Reply
    Stephanie
    October 18, 2017 at 3:55 pm

    I love reading your blog because it’s how exactly how I would write everything about what’s going in with my life right now that I can no longer articulate due to frustration and hopelessness. I wish I could just listen to you talk about your journey all day. I find peace knowing that I am not crazy and all of that I am feeling and going through are real. Please keep writing.

    • Reply
      The Wife
      October 18, 2017 at 8:04 pm

      You’ve inspired me to get some more blogs up! Thank you so much, Stephanie!

      By the way, I couldn’t have written a single word of this years ago when I was going through the worst of it. Only now, with many years behind me, can I think clearly, in fact.

  • Reply
    C
    December 9, 2017 at 3:11 pm

    Thank you. Its all I can muster right now.

    • Reply
      The Wife
      December 9, 2017 at 4:34 pm

      I think I understand how you may be feeling. Am sending good thoughts your way… 🙂

  • Reply
    Danielle
    December 18, 2017 at 2:16 am

    I just finished reading through some of your posts. It’s so true about the whole “codependent “ label that is automatically given to us as soon as they find out our husbands are sex addicts. It’s infuriating!!!! I went along to some recovery group and all the women looked beaten by life – with no voice or fire left in their souls! They sat around a tissue box in a circle and it was just a big sob fest it felt like – no one could say anything and no one was offering any actual words of wisdom in how to navigate through the Hell this addiction brings into your families life. I just felt like it was a total waste of time. I also agree with the “Rent -a-friend” belief about Therapists. My husband has told me for years I need to go to get help w my issues. I’ve told him talking to someone who’s never gone through and experienced what I have is a total waste of my time and money – because they can’t help me nor come close to understanding my situation.
    The few I have seen have told me just like you I need to leave my husband. But it’s a heck of a lot easier said then done. I am a stay at home mom with no college degree and 5 children. My kids would be devastated if I up and left and I would not be able to financially support all of us. But it’s like you said about the hot stove or the fire, which one is the lesser of the evils right? Well, if it were not for my kids I would have left years ago, but for the safety and sake of my kids I stay but I carry deep deep scars and pain. I’ve spent almost my entire marriage living with this. We’ve been married 12 years. He’s gone to a sex addiction therapist, classes, and polygraph, and has been in recovery. But I never really know the truth – I know how far he is willing to go, but I will never feel secure and safe as long as I am with him. It’s like being married to a Jekyll and Hyde. You love the man you thought you married, but you know there’s another man inside that is the cause and reason for your continuing pain and he is completely real too. I stayed because of my kids but there are not many days that go by that my heart yearns to be somewhere else and to feel happiness and joy again, and to not be plagued by all the slivers of addiction that Ricocheted through our lives and continue to make life a challenge in many ways. It’s awful to say, but it is comforting to know other people have experienced this and feel the same way. I guess it makes me feel a bit less lost and “crazy”. I hope you have a better story now that you chose to leave him.

    • Reply
      The Wife
      December 19, 2017 at 8:36 am

      Oh Danielle, I really feel bad for you in this situation. Five kids…doesn’t that just say it all? When people sometimes tell us to “just” leave him, they forget the cost to those around us, our very children. That isn’t to say I wouldn’t understand if you did leave him, but that I understand why you do not.

      He needs to get into a 12-step program. Seriously. My husband began to get better only after getting serious about 12-step. I know it sounds like nonsense, but it worked in his case (and in the cases of many others). Meanwhile, I don’t know what to say other than do you you best by your own heart, your own sanity. Hugs to you.

  • Reply
    Ella
    January 4, 2018 at 1:06 pm

    I’m 3.5 years post D day. My husband “only used” porn, but that was enough. Except I found cookies for webcam sites and paying for porn. He also went to a strip club as part of his stag but denied any lap dance. I struggle every day to be a present mum of four little ones. Even though he says he’s sober and did a polygraph test last year I still don’t trust his past or present and I am fearful for my future. He thinks if I get EMDR I will be cured from my outbursts and anger and sadness. Except I know it is turning to depression and anxiety. I have no hope. I don’t particularly feel loved anymore by this man. He demonstrates little empathy and understanding. I feel like I am barely living anymore.

    • Reply
      The Wife
      January 5, 2018 at 11:13 am

      Oh Ella, I so understand. I used to consider a “good day” if I could get through the car pool without crying. It is so difficult to get these guys to have empathy, in part because they are struggling so badly themselves and the guilt can be triggering for them. Then there is the fact that addicts tend to be very self-absorbed.

      You say he’s telling you he is sober but does he have ongoing support — specifically a 12-step program? Because I wouldn’t trust any addict who says he’s sober unless he is committed to an ongoing program of some kind.

      You DO have hope, but you also need support. EMDR is good therapy but there are others. Is there a support group near you? You might try some of the on-line ones like http://www.posarc.org or https://bloomforwomen.com ,too. 🙂

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